The following are a dozen good reasons a proper young lady should never date a vampire.
(1) There’s not much point to installing a mirror over your bed.
(2) Your blood pudding will never measure up to his mother’s.
(3) When you tell your BFFs about his mother, they’re disappointed you think she’s an old bat.
(4) Getting him to open up about his feelings is like pulling fangs.
(5) Every time you cook him a special meal he gets sick. He says he’s lactose intolerant but you suspect it’s the garlic bread.
(6) Whenever the two of you go into a beer hall and the bartender says “pint or quart,” something mortifying happens.
(7) The company you work for is reluctant to add him to your medical benefits and pension plan when it learns he’ll live forever.
(8) Your cape, crucifix and chubby friends keep mysteriously disappearing.
(9) Complete strangers gift you hearts and wooden stakes on your facebook wall.
(10) Once your relationship goes public, annoying spam ads for dirt and coffins clog up your e-mail.
(11) It’s embarrassing going into a drugstore on his behalf and asking for sunblock with SPF 10,000
(12) By his rosy cheeks and more gregarious manner, you can always tell when he’s been drinking.
(13) I wrote a number 13, but Renfield ate it.
This list has been brought to you by ABC, the Already Bitten in your Community.
Vampires, vampires, everywhere! Especially in Dracula Meets Al Gore.