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Proper Young Ladies Should Never…

July 14th, 2010 · 7 Comments · Afterlife, Allegory or Fairy Tale, American Humor, British Comedy, British Humour, Canada Humor, Clash of the Sexes, Coming of Age, Crossed Wires, Cute, Entertainment, Fairy Tale, Family Humor, Fantasy, Funny Horror, General Humor, General Interest, Horror, Human Nature, Jokes, Lifestyle, Monster, Movies, Not As It Seems, Puns, Romance, Satire, Science Fiction, Sexual Innuendo, Supernatural, Surprise Twists, Twisted, Whimsy, Witty

Alex Carrick

The following are a dozen good reasons a proper young lady should never date a vampire.

(1) There’s not much point to installing a mirror over your bed.

(2) Your blood pudding will never measure up to his mother’s.

(3) When you tell your BFFs about his mother, they’re disappointed you think she’s an old bat.

(4) Getting him to open up about his feelings is like pulling fangs.

(5) Every time you cook him a special meal he gets sick. He says he’s lactose intolerant but you suspect it’s the garlic bread.

(6) Whenever the two of you go into a beer hall and the bartender says “pint or quart,” something mortifying happens.

(7) The company you work for is reluctant to add him to your medical benefits and pension plan when it learns he’ll live forever.

(8) Your cape, crucifix and chubby friends keep mysteriously disappearing.

(9) Complete strangers gift you hearts and wooden stakes on your facebook wall.

(10) Once your relationship goes public, annoying spam ads for dirt and coffins clog up your e-mail.

(11) It’s embarrassing going into a drugstore on his behalf and asking for sunblock with SPF 10,000

(12) By his rosy cheeks and more gregarious manner, you can always tell when he’s been drinking.

(13) I wrote a number 13, but Renfield ate it.

This list has been brought to you by ABC, the Already Bitten in your Community.


Vampires, vampires, everywhere! Especially in Dracula Meets Al Gore.


For my first book, “Two Scoops” Is Just Right, please click here for the paperback version and here for the Kindle e-book version.

For the sequel, “Three Scoops” Is A Blast! (with the award-winning “Size of the Skip”) click here for paperback and here for Kindle.

For “Four Scoops” Is Over The Top (containing Hemingway short-listed “Caboose Follies”) click here for paperback and here for Kindle. 

And finally, for my latest book, “Five Scoops” Is An Addiction!, please click here for the paperback and here for the Kindle digital version.

Also, I would love it if you joined me on Twitter (Alex_Carrick), Facebook and/or LinkedIn.


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7 responses so far ↓

  • 1 karenfrommentor // Jul 16, 2010 at 3:10 am

    “#1- There’s not much point to installing a mirror over your bed”

    Feng shui says you should never have a mirror in your bedroom anyway because it invites “others” into the relationship. And if you already have ONE vampire, you’ve got enough trouble without him inviting in his “drinking” buddies, who all SUCK by the way.

    I make it a hard and fast rule to never invite vampires into my house.

    Yes, they dress well….but they hog the tv remote.

  • 2 Laurita // Jul 16, 2010 at 10:46 am

    “Whenever the two of you go into a beer hall and the bartender says “pint or quart,” something mortifying happens.”

    I laughed very loudly at this. 🙂

  • 3 K Stoddard Hayes // Jul 18, 2010 at 9:33 am

    If only those who produce teen soaps would read this, they would realize there is no good reason to create another franchise about vampires!

  • 4 Donna Carrick // Jul 19, 2010 at 5:43 am

    Between the V.I.L’s (Vampire-In-Law’s) oh-so-delicious blood pudding and the spam ads for dirt and coffin, I’m surprised any girl still gets involved with these blood-sucking creeps. As for me, once-bitten… ;-D

  • 5 Sam Van Aert // Jul 19, 2010 at 3:08 pm

    This is hilarious! I laughed out loud…while holding my neck.

  • 6 ganymeder // Jul 23, 2010 at 9:41 pm


  • 7 Nikki Barnabee/@GargoylePhan // Dec 25, 2013 at 11:48 pm

    That was hilarious, Alex! ;-D Thanks, I needed a laugh.

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