Alex Carrick’s Blog

Here’s something I’ve never shared before. I try to live according to the words of wisdom from my own personal adviser and alter ego, Ari Noshuns. Emulating his spirit of generosity, the following are passed on to you as a means to achieving deeper enlightenment.

(1) A man is only good if there is a strong woman standing behind him. Then he can be used as a shield in a shoot-out.

(2) People in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones. Nor should they start a marijuana grow-up in their living room. Especially if their next door neighbor is a cop.

(3) A rose by any other name would still smell as sweet. Unless, of course, Rose happens to be the name of your gorilla. The name Stinky might draw more attention to her problem.

(4) Mountain high, valley low, river wide, verbs unnecessary.

(5) During the intermission at the opera, to be or not to be is not the question. It’s to pee or not to pee?

(6) Beware of man who speaks with forked tongue. Be even more wary of the crazy little woman who attacked him with cutlery.

(7) If you’re holding a winning hand in poker, then you have three hands.

(8) The early bird catches the worm. The early worm, on the other hand, serves as an example to the other worms to stay in bed first thing in the morning.

(9) A bird in the hand is worth two in the bush. Except if the two in the bush are gorgeous twins who are shy about asking if they can use your hot tub.

(10) An apple a day keeps the doctor away. An eight course meal a day, with beer, keeps the munchies away.

(11)  It is better to give than to receive. But there is a limit. It is not better to give your no-good brother-in-law free access to your fridge than to receive official notification that his bail has been revoked and he’ll soon be out of your hair.

(12) Live your life one day at a time. Maybe skip an occasional Wednesday. They’re often nothing but trouble. And Mondays. Try to sleep through most Mondays.

(13) Live fast. Die young. Or live a little slower and remember dead friends with fondness.

(14) Measure twice, cut once. But a rabbi who measures three times or more may be open to a charge of molestation.

(15) “Cat got your tongue?” “Yes, but I’m relieved she hasn’t got my wallet. She has really expensive tastes in yarn and caviar.”

(16) The more things change, the more they stay the same. Unless you’re a teenager and the change in question is your voice. The sound is definitely not the same before and after the Kermit the Frog transition phase.

(17) “Nightmare on Elm Street” is a scary movie title. “Fidgety on Elmo’s Street” sparks down a different neural pathway.

(18) Penny wise, pound foolish. That’s the British version. In Canada, it’s cents sense, but loonie loony. In the U.S., try chump change savvy while greenback gazillions gormless.

(19) It is better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all. Tell that to the man writing alimony cheques while his kids are vacationing with their replacement dad.

(20) When it comes to purchasing a chain saw, never cheap out. Always buy the special features. Some brands come with extra fingers.

(21) Life is a box of chocolates. It’s also a meal of baked beans. Or a canister of tear gas. Or a spray of mace. But hey, let’s go with the chocolate analogy.

(22) When the going gets tough, the tough get going. When the going gets rocky, Rocky hides out at Bullwinkle’s house.

Please join me on Twitter, Facebook and LinkedIn. For my first book, “Two Scoops” Is Just Right, click here.