Here’s something I’ve never shared before. I try to live according to the words of wisdom from my own personal adviser and alter ego, Ari Noshuns. Emulating his spirit of generosity, the following are passed on to you as a means to achieve deeper enlightenment.
(1) A man is only good if there is a strong woman standing behind him. Then he can be used as a shield in a shoot-out.
(2) People in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones. Nor should they start a marijuana grow-up in their living room. Especially if their next door neighbor is a cop.
(3) A rose by any other name would still smell as sweet. Unless, of course, Rose happens to be the name of your gorilla. The name Stinky might draw more attention to her problem.
(4) Mountain high, valley low, river wide, verbs unnecessary.
(5) During the intermission at the opera, to be or not to be is not the question. It’s to pee or not to pee?
(6) Beware of man who speaks with forked tongue. Be even more wary of the crazy little woman who attacked him with cutlery.
(7) If you’re holding a winning hand in poker, then you have three hands.
(8) The early bird catches the worm. The early worm, on the other hand, serves as an example to the other worms to stay in bed first thing in the morning.
(9) A bird in the hand is worth two in the bush. Except if the two in the bush are gorgeous twins who are shy about asking if they can use your hot tub.
(10) An apple a day keeps the doctor away. An eight course meal a day, with beer, keeps the munchies away.
(11) It is better to give than to receive. But there is a limit. It is not better to give your no-good brother-in-law free access to your fridge than to receive official notification that his bail has been revoked and he’ll soon be out of your hair.
(12) Live your life one day at a time. Maybe skip an occasional Wednesday. They’re often nothing but trouble. And Mondays. Try to sleep through most Mondays.
(13) Live fast. Die young. Or live a little slower and remember dead friends with fondness.
(14) Measure twice, cut once. But be suspicious of a rabbi who pulls out his ruler three times or more. He may be open to charges of molestation.
(15) “Nightmare on Elm Street” is a scary movie title. “Fidgety on Elmo’s Street” sparks down a different neural pathway.
(16) Live and let live. Or, if you’re a captain of industry with a golden parachute written into your contract, fire and be fired.
(17) It is better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all. Tell that to the man writing alimony cheques while his kids are vacationing with their replacement dad.
(18) Study the wild animal kingdom. Elephants never forget. Leopards can’t change their spots. Laughing hyenas love slapstick.
(19) Let sleeping dogs lie. Maybe they lie all the time. Maybe they’re not really man’s best friend, like they claim, at all.
(20) When the going gets tough, the tough get going. When the going gets rocky, Rocky hides out at Bullwinkle’s house.
(21) Life is a box of chocolates. It’s also a meal of baked beans. Or a canister of tear gas. Or a spray of mace. But hey, let’s go with the chocolate analogy.
Let me now recommend the 16 new highly-sophisticated crossing-the-road jokes in At the Intersection of Silly and Sublime.