Once again, last night, the tooth fairy missed coming to our house. Unfortunately, this is a common occurrence. Donna is concerned this paints a poor picture of us as parents.
At least Donna feels guilty. It hardly even registers with me.
I hear that a tooth has popped out and I’m excited and delighted and I want to see the empty space. However, as for taking any action beyond that, it completely slips my mind.
Just the same, we do know that we have to be pro-active in getting the tooth fairy to make a call. That’s how one day, and then two days, will often go by with disappointment etched on the face of one of our recently awakened children.
What this usually ends up involving is a phone call to the central office of all tooth fairies (teeth fairies?) in our district. We’ve spoken to several supervisors over the years.
You should hear the lame stories they come up with for why one of their operatives missed us that night.
(1) She couldn’t make it because she was having dental work of her own.
(2) Her grandmother, Tinker Bell (the diva), died for the eighth time.
(3) Because of climate change, her wings iced over.
(4) Because of climate change, her wings burned up.
(5) She clocked out early last night due to a stomach ache. Other parents are leaving out cookies and cake and she just can’t resist snacking. This is also hurting her lift-offs.
(6) She couldn’t find the tooth. (Please. How much room is there under a pillow?)
(7) She’s on a sabbatical in Hollywood, starring in a movie.
(8) She just got married to the Big Bad Wolf and they’re honeymooning in Aspen.
(9) She’s involved in a nasty divorce from Pinocchio (the liar) and her nerves are shot.
(10) Since she works for the government, her orders got mixed up, she was on work-to-rule and it was a holiday anyway.
We’ve heard them all.
Our kids are wonderful. They always take these excuses at face value and are willing to wait another day or two.
Donna and I are a good deal more sceptical. In our estimation, here are some of the more likely reasons she didn’t show up.
(1) In winter, she gets distracted when the Maple Leafs are playing at home. She finds herself mysteriously attracted to hockey players − something about the fights and the gap-toothed smiles.
(2) Most of the year, she’s too busy on e-Bay trying to move merchandise out of her overstocked warehouse. She also deals in wands, magic beans and bowls of porridge – not too hot and not too cold, but just right.
(3) She’s one of those homeowners who got caught in the sub-prime mortgage mess and now she’s short of cash. Why would she be so gullible? Because she’s used to things being too good to be true.
Hey, the tooth fairy is human like the rest of us. Nevertheless, Donna and I want more service for our tax dollars.
The Tooth Fairy stars in another story, Revenge of the Beaster Bunny. Someone has a bone to pick with her and isn’t shy about expressing his feelings.
My “tribe” appears with distinction (okay, maybe that’s too strong a word) in High Finance, Carrick Family Style.