Washington has a huge debt problem and the Democrats, Republicans and Tea Party can’t agree on which comes first, increase taxes or lower spending.
Here are some innovative answers I’ve come up with, combining both approaches and some “outside the box” ideas, to break the impasse.
(1) Privatize the issuing of birth certificates to Donald Trump.
(2) Kill two birds with one stone. First buy Greece, thereby helping out that nation, then divest the assets beginning with Mount Olympus. At the very least, ask Zeus for centuries’ worth of back rent.
(3) Buy all future military hardware from China. It’ll be cheaper.
(4) Dissolve all government think tanks and, instead, follow the advice found in fortune cookies.
(5) Decree that all government documents and manuscripts must be issued in graphic novel format. I’m not sure how this will save money but it will make reading the budget more exciting.
(6) Hold a yard sale at the White House. Better still, sell the White House yard to a mini-putt developer.
(7) The President’s family should adopt more pets and solicit names tied to corporate sponsorship. For starters, how about Google the poodle? Or Anheuser-Busch the budgie?
(8) License the name “Obama Mamas” for a professional team in the transvestite roller derby league.
(9) Both save money and increase tax receipts by releasing all prisoners and turning them into revenuers.
(10) Make it clear that all future luncheon and dinner engagements between government officials and business leaders will be brown bag affairs held in a park. Receptions will be pot luck and BYOB.
(11) Encourage attrition among federal government staff outside the D.C. area by asking them to come into town to pick up their pay checks.
(12) Allow politicians to openly accept bribes for construction contracts. Then claw the money back through a new highway robbery tax.
(13) I thought of a number 13 but since it was going to cost me money personally, I decided not to record it.
(14) Eliminate the debt by asking Oprah for the money. To her, it’s chump change.
Once the above measures have been implemented, there are some government staffing issues to address as well, as in The Tooth Fairy Must Work for the Government.