We all live such fast-paced lives these days. How do we fit everything in? I have reviewed my daily routine and come to the conclusion that what I resent most is the time I give over to shaving, bathing, brushing and flossing my teeth, clipping my nails and nose hairs and applying deodorant. I get tired just thinking about it. Therefore, in the interests of freeing up some spare time, I have decided to forego personal hygiene. That way, I’ll be able to take up a hobby.
Only I’m not being perfectly honest here. Daddy, that’s me, already has a new hobby – that’s farting. One day, quite to my surprise, it popped full-blown into my life. Now it’s a regular feature. At first I was alarmed, but now I understand the advantages. For example, unlike other hobbies, it does not get in the way of everything else I have to do.
And it’s cheap, except if you include the cost of food that is needed to fuel my new interest. I’m sure it’s due to the curries, garlic and other exotic ingredients that have been introduced into my diet since I was younger. Or maybe it’s just advanced age and the fact that my microbes have slowed down a step or two in their bacterial pursuits. It can’t be the after-effects of a Caribbean holiday I once took in Puerto Flatulence. That was too long ago.
I’m very fortunate in one regard. My gaseous emissions are of a particularly clean and odourless kind. My wife, Donna, looks so cute when I say this. She wrinkles her nose just like Samantha in Bewitched and then pretends to pass out. She really shouldn’t do that. Remember the story of the boy who cried wolf? On several occasions, I’ve been almost too late taking action to revive her.
The dog and cat are okay with my new activity. Their own efforts in this area have given them joy for years. After a particularly fine meal, we’ll sometimes gather as a musical trio in the living room and compose an extemporaneous tune. Our ”wind” instruments really let loose when we play “fartissimo”. And it’s good for whenever guests come over for a visit. It helps to fill those lulls in conversation that sometimes arise. It’s an additional option beyond the old standby gambit of simply clearing one’s throat.
Like snowflakes, no two toots are ever exactly the same. They range from bubbles to burbles, to rapid-fire bursts and full-scale eruptions. Our children are endlessly entertained. They get to giggle and shriek and feel superior whenever Daddy’s hobby takes a creative turn. It’s good for them to see that I have something to hold dear beyond just family and work.
Of course, like all true hobby enthusiasts, there is one big frustration. I dream of turning my sideline activity into a full-time pursuit. How great would it be if I could make money from something that has been presented to me as a natural gift? Sadly, given today’s social norms, that will have to wait for more enlightened times.
Disclaimer: Only portions of the foregoing are true. I do still clean up semi-regularly. And I do try to be discrete in my “percussive” outbursts. Hopefully, this qualification will cut down on the number of restraining orders that have been placing 50-foot perimeters around my personal contacts.