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If Porcupines Had Wings, No Balloon Would be Safe

October 26th, 2013 · 1 Comment · American Humor, Amusing, Anthropomorphic, Bad Taste, British Comedy, British Humour, Canada Humor, Charming, Cute, Family Humor, Farce, Feel Good, Funny Animal, Funny Irony, Funny Parable, General Humor, Heartwarming, Human Nature, Irony, Jokes, Oddball, Offbeat, Outrageous, Puns, Romp, Sardonic, Satire, Screwball, Silly, Surprise Twists, Surrealism, Whimsy, Witty, Zany

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In the political debates leading up to, during and following the recent government shutdown in Washington, a lot of “what ifs” were thrown around by some of the participants.

This led me to consider some intriguing what-ifs that might be proposed for the animal kingdom.

Here are a dozen or so. Keep in mind it’s the imagery that’s important.

(1) If stallions had bigger testicles, they’d protest against show-jumping.

(2) If spiders had more legs, they’d probably have trouble putting on their pants.

(3) If elephants had tele-prompters, they’d never ever forget their lines.

(4) If ants had uncles, as well as farms, they’d be happier and the English language would make more sense.

(5) If gorillas had greater Internet access, almost certainly there’d be more system crashes.

(6) If giraffes had step ladders, there’s no telling what they’d see; if they also had umbrellas, they’d be a hazard to satellites.

(7) If sharks had flexible work schedules, they wouldn’t need to gobble their food.

(8) If snakes had closets, surely they’d keep their old skins until they came back into style.

(9) If turkeys had credit cards, they could vacation in Aruba over Thanksgiving.

(10) If deer had wallets, they’d rush out to buy their own weapons and shoot back.

(11) If panda bears had cell phones, they’d waste their days taking “selfies” ‒ cause they’re so darned cute and they know it.

(12) If springboks had pogo sticks, they’d be insufferably bouncy.

(13) If porcupines had wings, no balloon would be safe.


Ever wonder why your life seems to be spinning out of control? This next story explains everything. I’m not exaggerating… everything! The Grief Machine.


For my first book, “Two Scoops” Is Just Right, please click here for the paperback version and here for the Kindle e-book version.

For the sequel, “Three Scoops” Is A Blast! (with the award-winning “Size of the Skip”) click here for paperback and here for Kindle.

For “Four Scoops” Is Over The Top (containing Hemingway short-listed “Caboose Follies”) click here for paperback and here for Kindle.

And finally, for my latest book, “Five Scoops” Is An Addiction!, please click here for the paperback and here for the Kindle digital version.

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1 response so far ↓

  • 1 J. M. Strother // Nov 3, 2013 at 5:14 am

    My favorite was, “If ants had uncles, as well as farms, they’d be happier and the English language would make more sense.” English needs all the help it can get.

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