In the quest for mates, various species of Canadian males have their own unique and surprisingly successful “pick-up” or “come-on” lines they use in drinking establishments, shopping mall food courts and wherever else potential female companionship is to be found.
Here are a few of them. I know these are effective, because I’ve tried several of them on my wife and seen her swoon. She even offered the first one on her own, based on what I am sure was her “emotionally barren” pre-Alex history.
(1) Employed by a hockey-loving Canadian male – “Let’s go to my place. I’d like to show you my puck collection.”
(2) A male member of Canada’s Armed Forces – “That’s not a gun in my pocket. That’s my own personal I.E.D. (i.e., improvised explosive device).”
(3) A name-dropping poetry-writing Canadian male –
“A close friend of mine,
Howie Mandel by name,
once told me a line,
let safe sex be your game.”
(4) A pub-crawling Canadian male – “Ya gotta check it out. My water bed is full of beer.”
(5) A metro-sexual Canadian male – “Do you like my cologne? It’s derived from the musk gland of the industrious beaver.”
(6) A gay Canadian male – “Want to see my lumber, Jack?”
(7) A west-coast native Canadian male – “How ’bout we play a fun game called Haida totem pole?”
(8) An Ontario native Canadian male – “The way I imagine it, Huron top.”
(9) A Canadian male connoisseur of enhancement aids – “Forget whipped cream. Try a taste of what I picked up at the Elmvale Maple Syrup Festival.”
(10) A history-minded academically-inclined Canadian male – “What’s your star sign? No, wait, I already know the answer. You are a shooting star sent down from heaven. Your beauty warms and lights up these frozen surroundings. You have become one with the land. Won’t you please open your Northwest Passage and let me hike your tundra?”
If you enjoyed the foregoing, don’t miss the suble seduction of A Mathematical Proof Economists are Sexy.
Or if you’re interested in a similar story on how much Canadians “love” their country, in ways perhaps not appropriate, try My Year of Blogging Dangerously.
Plus there’s Ode to Canada’s National Game (No, Not Hockey).
Finally, as must reading, there’s my humorous piece, How to Know When You’ve Become a Porn Writer.