Thanks for tuning in and paying attention to my ruminations since I started writing a Blog in February 2008. It’s been an interesting, exciting and fun time.
I’ve decided to mark this nearly year-and-a-half anniversary, which also happens to coincide with Canada Day (July 1), by considering a question that’s been intriguing me for some time.
Why are so many of the symbols of our nation sexual in nature?
Think about it.
(1) Let’s start with an easy one, Toronto’s CN Tower: The phallic intent is soooo obvious. Never mind the public relations bumph about microwaves and providing a communications service. At over 100 storeys tall and sporting a rocket-blasting shape, the true intent is impossible to conceal.
(2) The “Last Spike”: No, I’m not talking about football. It was aligning the final railroad tie and driving in a special nail that completed construction of our iron road from coast to coast. Then the participants held a celebration. But it could also mean so many other things. Followed by a celebration.
(3) The gone-but-not-forgotten Montreal Expos: Aw, those were the heady days of baseball madness in its infancy across the land. But one is led to ponder, “Why did the team have to leave?” Did the players Expos themselves? Is that the story behind the story?
(4) The Toronto Maple Leafs: Maple leaves, fig leaves, what’s the difference? We all know what part of the anatomy they’re meant to cover.
(5) One of our national anthems, Oh Canada: Sung properly, there should be special emphasis on the “Oh” at the beginning, holding the note and drawing it out. Yes, we have passion for our country, but we’re the only nation on earth with a moan upfront when we express our patriotism in song.
(6) Our other national anthem, God Save the Queen: This hardly seems fair. Surely we have more than one of them.
(7) Sudbury: What on earth is our mining capital doing on this list? To honour the ore taken out of the ground, there is a giant Canadian nickel displayed prominently on a hill. (For those not in the know, a nickel in circulation is worth five cents). This leads me to point (8).
(8) Pocket change: Our nickel has the picture of a beaver on it. ‘Nuf said.
(9) Niagara Falls: Not just another place name. It’s famous for being the Honeymoon Capital of the world. Otherwise known as rapture central. On a par with Las Vegas and Bangkok for heavy breathing.
(10) Our federal police, the Mounties: I repeat, the Mounties. The name says it all.
(11) The motto of our Royal Canadian Mounted Police: “We always get our man”? Huh? Isn’t that a little odd? It was written in long-ago, lonely ranching days, when a cowboy’s best friend was his horse. I hope women are being included now too.
(12) Then the Mounties go for their famous “musical ride”. Okay, fair enough. They work hard. They should be able to relax at the end of the day. But they’re not fooling anyone. Any barfly understands the innuendo of the phrase, especially when the night’s capped off by “watching the northern lights”.
I hope I’ve made my case and that you’ll never think of Canadians in the same old way again – stiff, boring and peace-loving. Okay, maybe “piece”-loving, I’ll grant you that.
Undeniably, we’re the still waters that run not only deep, but “randy”.
Canadian Male Pick-up Lines is another of my stories in the same genre.
Plus there’s Ode to Canada’s National Game (No, Not Hockey).
And most outrageous all, the tongue-in-cheek How to Know When You’ve Become a Porn Writer.