After recently acquiring Marvel Comics, Disney Corporation is apparently now going after an even bigger corporate prize, Hell Inc. In a surprise move, it has been learned that the devil is interested in selling his interest in the underworld and moving to Palm Springs. There’s something about the climate there that appeals to him.
The devil’s minions have been assured that they will retain prominent positions in the new entity. They will have key roles to play in each day’s closing parades at Disney’s various theme parks.
When asked whether hell’s acquisition might not be in conflict with Disney’s prime objective of providing family entertainment, a company spokesperson replied, “Not at all. The synergies from owning everything are just enormous. Think of High School Musical set in Hades.”
“Besides, it isn’t just about entertainment. There is the punishment factor if people don’t tune in to our programming. Of course, a small percentage of the population already thinks that watching Disney shows is a trip to hell. We’re still not sure what to do about that faction.”
Some of Marvel’s stable of comic book characters were contacted by reporters for their reactions to the latest news.
“Jiminy!” said the Incredible Hulk. “I’m just getting used to reporting to a cricket and now this is being thrown at me. It’s making me angry and Disney won’t like me when I’m angry.”
“I’m having trouble fitting mouse ears over my horn stumps,” said Hellboy. “But if the new deal goes through, it will be like going home for me.”
The era of the big getting even bigger seems to be gaining momentum at this stage of the business cycle. In other financial news, a huge unnamed international oil company is in negotiations to buy all of the air that we breathe. This is likely to receive a stamp of approval from North American regulators, but it may be held up by authorities in Europe who are supposedly concerned about some conflict of interest issues.
As well, several foreign sovereign wealth funds are known to have an option on buying Mars. Interest in this solar system’s sun has also been expressed, but it is hard to conduct due diligence on something so unapproachable.
Investors knew that something was up with Disney and hell yesterday when Twitter traffic on the subject took off. It became the number one trending topic as the day wore on. The discussion is thought to have been led by Snow White’s little birds.
As for that other prime piece of real estate, Heaven, gatekeeper Gabriel has indicated that there is no way it will ever be sold. However, the actual Pearly Gates may be another matter. Feelers have been put out on Craigslist. Sotheby wanted to handle the transaction, but it was not able to confirm that the pearls are actually real and not just cultured.
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In Forever Running Late, Jilal and Bobex are encoutering a rough patch in their new relationship. Ah, the trials of young love!
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