In an earlier blog entry, I introduced the possibility of celebrities, when their careers end or hit a dry spell, finding employment as “greeters” at Wal-Mart. Some of them would have rather obvious opening lines when you walk through the doors to go shopping.
Javier Bardem…“Welcome friendo.”
Lindsay Lohan…“What do you want? Hurry up. My community service hours are almost over.”
George Clooney…“This job is a practical joke gone seriously wrong.”
Harrison Ford…“You want to buy a treasure map? I’d give you one of mine but that rookie, the Wookie, lost them all. Let me crack the whip and get you some sales help.”
Brad Pitt…“You’re looking for family planning? Would you please take Angelina with you?”
Jack Nicolson…“You want the truth? You can’t handle the truth. We’re out of paprika.”
Oprah Winfrey…“We make billions of dollars every year. No, I’m getting confused, that’s me.”
Tom Cruise…“You’ll like it here. Katie, Nicole, Penelope, Mimi, L. Ron Hubbard – I brought each of them here on our first date.”
Tiger Woods…“Bedding and linen is 200 yards straight away and then you hang a dogleg left for another 100 yards.”
John McCain…“My days with Wal-Mart go way back. When I joined the military, Custer and I used to shop at their first trading post.”
David Letterman…“I see you have a shopping list. I’ve always liked lists. Ten items, tops, is best. Right, Paul? Where’s Paul?”
Clint Eastwood…“That’s a big wallet you’re carrying. Go ahead, make our day.”
Arnold Schwarzenegger…“You’ll be bock. I’ll be bock. We’ll all be bock.”
I’m wondering if this isn’t the start of a whole new literary genre. What about dead celebrity greeters at Wal-Mart? For example, Julius Caesar might say, “You too, Brutus? You shop here too?” Or how about fictional characters, like Sherlock Holmes or Bugs Bunny? I’m going to have to ponder on this. The possibilities are just too great.
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I have some more fun making up stuff in The Curious Meanings of Some Canadian Place Names.
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1 response so far ↓
1 Ashleigh // Oct 28, 2009 at 7:06 pm
Hi Alex
hilarious piece! Vince Versace turned me on to your blog and I’m glad he did! I think I might even print this one off and hang it in the home office- very funny!
I’ve bookmarked you, I’ll be sure to check in every day!