There are certain tell-tale signs that let you know if and when you’ve become a hypochondriac.
The following is a brief list. There are many more indicators, but logging them would take an effort that might better go towards looking after my (I mean your) health.
(1) You bought your first coffin when you were aged 20.
(2) You’re afraid you’ll catch AIDS from watching the Playboy Channel.
(3) You don’t make mountains out of mole hills; you make flesh-eating disease out of a paper cut.
(4) You think about your health more than you think about sex. Okay, it’s a toss-up.
(5) You avoid “ladies of the evening” not for any high moral reasons, but out of fear of infection.
(6) Nine of the ten speed dial numbers on your cell phone are emergency departments. The tenth is the organ transplant hot line.
(7) The author’s stomach was feeling too queasy and his head hurt too much to write a number seven by this story’s deadline.
(8) The local Shoppers Drug Mart calls you for assistance when it’s running low on inventory.
(9) You know more doctors than the Surgeon General.
(10) Most of your creativity goes into inventing pseudonyms so you can get second and third medical opinions.
(11) A colonoscopy is your idea of intimate contact with another human being.
(12) Psychosomatic Stress Disorder is the name of your guppie.
(13) You find none of the foregoing either odd or funny and thirteen is a number so unlucky for your well-being, it’s frightening to even contemplate an amusing remark.
Then, of course, there’s also How to Know When You’re on the Cusp of Old Age.