Sugar sprinkled on candy or arsenic mixed with nightshade.
Are you in the know or flying blind?
Delicious seductive power or unpredictable happen-anytime pain.
Who to bring into the inner circle?
Who best left excluded?
Where to extend the intimacy?
An implication of purity that’s non-existent.
Most secrets aren’t.
Obscuring the truth, they rarely reveal.
Rather standing in the way of a conclusion.
Birthing misconceptions, resentment and anger are their twin companions.
Still, this was a secret she knew she’d take to her grave.
What surprised most was her certainty she could carry through with intent.
Her resolve was usually less firm. In this, there were reasons to stay the course.
What she had done turned out so well. She’d rolled the dice and won the treasure.
No more tempting fate. Cash in her winnings. Accept the good and dare not look back. And never, ever share.
Thankfully, she had an advantage, a secret within a secret.
She was the only person who knew what she was hoarding.
Most of the townspeople of Quiet Bay were upset.
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Tags:coming of age story·funny bad boy story·funny crime story·funny dialogue story·funny generation gap story·funny mystery story·funny real estate story·funny rocket ship story·funny small town story·funny sunglasses story·hardware store·keeping a secret story·pharmacy·police investigation story·shades·space aliens story
I went to the dentist’s office this morning.
To help foster a personal touch, there’s a notation on my chart that I’m an economist, so she usually begins our sessions by asking me where I think interest rates are headed.
This time, however, my body language was such that she skipped the formalities and we jumped right in.
DENTIST: So how are you doing today, Mr. Carrick?
ALEX: When I was here last week, you said I needed a root canal on a tooth on my lower right. Since then, I’ve had a cap break off on a tooth on the lower left, leaving a sharp spike that’s ripping my tongue.
Frankly, I’m feeling miserable.
I’d managed, somehow, not to swallow the gold cap and I’d kept it in a plastic baggie to show her. I pulled it out of my pocket.
DENTIST: Oh wow! That’s not good. It’s old, you know. We don’t do gold caps anymore.
ALEX (acutely aware of my age): I’m not surprised. I’m old. Can you re-use it?
DENTIST: No, but a jeweler could melt it down for you. It might be valuable. Here, you can have it back.
ALEX: No, you keep it. It’s your payment. Just be sure to give me the change when we’re done.
She and her dental assistant laugh. I don’t know why. I’m being serious.
If the gold remnant really is worth something, I have more of them.
Stop! What am I, crazy? Don’t go there.
Still, where did I put the pliers?
DENTIST: I’ll take care of your broken tooth first. There’s only a stub left. I’ll cover the jagged edges with enamel and you can decide later if you want an implant.
ALEX: What does that involve?
DENTIST: Here, have a look at this model. (She hauls out a scary-looking jumble of plastic.) I’ll begin by placing a screw in your jawbone…
ALEX (interrupting): Thank you. I get the idea. You can skip the rest.
DENTIST: The procedure will cost between $3,000 and $4,000.
Currency signs start twerking in my brain.
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Tags:dental inplants·funny banter story·funny dentist story·funny medical story·funny needle story·funny pain story·funny root canal story·funny torture story·funny trip to the dentist story·twerking
The 19th century writers Mary Shelley and Bram Stoker were among the first great environmentalists.
Their creations – Frankenstein’s “monster” and Count Dracula respectively ‒ blazed new trails in preserving scarce resources.
In his research and during the operation that led to his triumph, Dr. Frankenstein was careful to use the purest form of electric power, lightning.
No smoke-emitting coal or radiation-leaking nuclear or equally obnoxious fossil fuel energy source for him.
And he knew how to recycle. Boy, did he know how to recycle. Body parts mainly.
He established a precedent that most municipalities – through their blue box programs ‒ are trying their hardest to meet in modern times.
The environmental abusers in the Frankenstein story were the angry villagers. Heading off into the night with their tar-dipped torches, they were the ones guilty of launching nasty particulates into the atmosphere.
In subsequent Hollywood versions of Frankenstein, the ending has often been changed. In the original novella, mini-me Frankenstein spent his final days hopping from ice floe to ice floe in the frozen Arctic.
I choose to believe he was communing with nature and becoming one with the seals and polar bears.
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Tags:Al Gore·Bram Stoker·David Suzuki·funny Dracula story·funny environmental protection story·funny family story·funny fast food restaurant story·funny Frankenstein story·funny horror story·funny literary story·funny monster story·funny vampire story·funny wolfman story·funny zombie story·Mary Shelley
Certain professional comedians believe they have a sacred duty to uncover something funny in every situation ‒ natural disasters and human misfortune be damned.
As an individual who often writes material that is intended to be humorous, I may sympathize with this approach even while cringeing.
When the average man or woman attempts such levity, however, there are dangerous pitfalls. The awkwardness-quotient can rise too high.
The following are signposts that you may have gone too far or misjudged your timing.
(1) Gilbert Gottfried says your comments are tasteless.
(2) Your parents change their surname.
(3) After the words slip out, the sink-hole in your stomach swallows a car and you know you have to move halfway round the world.
(4) Flesh-eating zombies shy away when you approach.
(5) The devil lets you spend all the time you want at his time-share in Kitzbuehel. He’s no longer as keen on skiing since he flew off a steep vertical and his horns got stuck in a tree.
(6) When you die, you still hope to upgrade from hell to heaven by means of a “he was only being playfully scatological” escape clause.
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Tags:bad taste jokes·funny bad taste·funny bad taste story·funny comedians story·funny devil story·funny embarassing story·funny heaven and hell story·funny story about do-gooders·funny story about feelings·funny story about low hanging fruit·funny story about sensitivity training·funny zombie story·tornadoes and mobile homes
In the political debates leading up to, during and following the recent government shutdown in Washington, a lot of “what ifs” were thrown around by some of the participants.
This led me to consider some intriguing what-ifs that might be proposed for the animal kingdom.
Here are a dozen or so. Keep in mind it’s the imagery that’s important.
(1) If stallions had bigger testicles, they’d protest against show-jumping.
(2) If spiders had more legs, they’d probably have trouble putting on their pants.
(3) If elephants had tele-prompters, they’d never ever forget their lines.
(4) If ants had uncles, as well as farms, they’d be happier and the English language would make more sense.
(5) If gorillas had greater Internet access, almost certainly there’d be more system crashes.
(6) If giraffes had step ladders, there’s no telling what they’d see; if they also had umbrellas, they’d be a hazard to satellites.
(7) If sharks had flexible work schedules, they wouldn’t need to gobble their food.
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Tags:cute·funny animal story·funny ant story·funny deer story·funny elephant story·funny giraffe story·funny panda bear story·funny porcupine story·funny shark story·funny snake story·funny spider story·funny stallion story·funny Thanksgiving story·funny turkey story·humor·madcap story·oddball·offbeat·ridiculous story·silly·surrealism·whimsy·Zany
- A collection of some of the stories appearing on this blog site.
Mr. Carrick’s entertaining books are perfect for when you want to relax. They are also spot-on gifts for almost any occasion. To order “Two Scoops” Is Just Right for Kindle from Amazon, please click here. “Three Scoops” Is A Blast! can be obtained by pressing here. “Four Scoops” Is Over the Top is available here. And “Five Scoops” Is An Addiction! is downloadable here.
All Mr. Carrick’s other books – the Ten Tales series and the stand-alones – can also be ordered for Kindle in e-book/digital format. The links in the right-hand column on the screen will guide you.
When Writer’s Digest chose Mr. Carrick’s site for its Blog of the Week (mid-May 2012), the accompanying description said, “Alex Carrick’s blog is clean, crisp and entertaining. His stories range from humorous to thought-provoking, making it a fun read.” Enjoy!
Tags:comedy·funny family stories·funny irony stories·funny relationships·funny short stories·humour·irony·laughter·Lifestyle·surprise endings·surprise twists·thought-provoking
Toronto City Council recently banned the use of plastic bags beginning January 1, 2013.
It’s a tremendous source of comfort to me that our elected officials are always looking out for what’s in our best interests, whether we know it or not.
My family of five will no longer be able to tote home our usual 20 bags of groceries from the supermarket in quite as easy a manner.
We’ll either have to use fabric bags, which become easily contaminated with bacteria, or paper bags, thereby costing us more trees.
Trees do grow back, given sufficient time. And cotton or linen can be sanitized with sufficient use of eco-friendly detergent.
I guess we’ll have to stockpile plastic bags for our walks with Daisy-dog. Or they’ll become one more item to buy at Wal-Mart.
Nobody’s quite sure what this will mean for dry cleaning establishments. Maybe we’ll have to wear our fresh clothes home, in layers.
Or fruit vendors. Will those roll-down little plastic baggies become a thing of the past?
But, hey, I’m sure this will all be sorted out in the goodness of time.
The nominal reason to eliminate plastic bags is to improve the environment. But I suspect there’s a hidden reason that goes deeper than that.
And it shows how well certain of our wisest councilors understand our true dark natures.
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Tags:a world gone overboard story·authority gone mad story·funny crime story·funny environmental protection story·funny family story·funny green story·funny lifestyle story·funny mock outrage story·funny plastic bag story·funny politician story·funny rant·funny Toronto story·too many rules story
There are certain tell-tale signs that let you know if and when you’ve become a hypochondriac.
The following is a brief list. There are many more indicators, but logging them would take an effort that might better go towards looking after my (I mean your) health.
(1) You bought your first coffin when you were aged 20.
(2) You’re afraid you’ll catch AIDS from watching the Playboy Channel.
(3) You don’t make mountains out of mole hills; you make flesh-eating disease out of a paper cut.
(4) You think about your health more than you think about sex. Okay, it’s a toss-up.
(5) You avoid “ladies of the evening” not for any high moral reasons, but out of fear of infection.
(6) Nine of the ten speed dial numbers on your cell phone are emergency departments. The tenth is the organ transplant hot line.
(7) The author’s stomach was feeling too queasy and his head hurt too much to write a number seven by this story’s deadline.
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Tags:funny doctor story·funny hypochondria story·funny hypochondriac story·funny medical story·funny sickness story
Regal and relaxed; five foot six or so; in her early twenties; hair in a pixie cut; flawless light brown skin.
Those were some of the phrases that came to Sylvia’s mind as the young woman floated into her store.
Sylvia was alerted by the sound of a bell set off by the opening wooden screen door.
The charmer was wearing a light sleeveless dress with a flower pattern in black and white. It swished and swayed with her every movement.
The stylish sunglasses helped turn her into an exotic and alluring beauty.
One didn’t often get a visitation from such a divinity in these parts. Sylvia had owned the part variety store, part video store, part gas bar, part postal drop-off point, part local gathering spot for the past nineteen years.
She wondered if her guest had anything to do with the unusual event of the previous week.
Sure enough, this was soon confirmed.
The young lady looked around, feigned an interest in some of the sparse merchandise, but quickly sashayed over to the serving counter.
Her voice was soft and mellifluous. “Hi,” she said. “How ya doin’ ?” She removed the shades with a sensual practiced flourish.
“Fine, thank you,” said Sylvia, kindness embedded in her core. “It’s a nice spring day and all’s well with the world. I’d have no excuse for not doing okay. And you? How can I be of service?”
Sylvia’s curiosity was revved up and eager to leave the starting gate.
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Tags:afterlife story·dream story·drugs story·folklore·ghost story·horror story·Human Nature·legend·love story·love triangle story·lyrical·macabre story·mood piece·murder mystery·mystery·northern Ontario story·paranormal story·quirky ghost story·quirky murder mystery·road story·Romance·scary·spirit story·supernatural·surprising twists
“Ogden almost committed a crime today.”
The angel Ecanus was talking with the angel Gavreel in heaven’s lounge area. They’d had a hard day monitoring their charges.
There were still hours to go, but they were stealing a few quiet moments.
“Almost? Is that good news?” asked Gavreel.
“In Ogden’s case, yes. I know we’re not supposed to be proud up here, but I’m mighty pleased,” said Ecanus.
“Ogden’s due for assessment later tonight, right? He’ll be having a major heart attack at a formal dance.”
“ You always amaze me,” said Ecanus.
“Borderline with blemishes. They’re the ones who interest me,” said Gavreel.
“Ogden may have tipped the scales,” responded Ecanus.
“I sincerely hope so,” said Gavreel.
Sixty year old Ogden Beauregard awoke full of beans. Excitement was mixed with apprehension.
His company was hosting a black tie affair that evening for its best customers and he’d need to make a good impression.
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Tags:angels·crazy lifestyle story·frenzied lifestyle story·going to a party story·Lifestyle·moral lesson·Redemption·relationships·tuxedo story