“His brain was trashed,” she said.
“Excuse me?” was his response.
“I don’t know how it happened, but his brain was trashed. You know, like a hotel room after a rock star’s attack of indigestion,” said Corina.
“Wow! Any idea how it happened?” asked Chief Inspector Beige.
“I’m pretty sure I answered that question.” Corina the coroner could turn petulant when perturbed. “I have no idea whatsoever.”
“So it wasn’t a heart attack? Or a stroke, like we thought?” queried the inspector.
“Nope,” was the terse reply.
“No evidence of drug use. Same with alcohol. He was estranged from his family, but his ex-wife and kids swear he’s been clean for a decade.”
“Okay, this is getting weird,” said the inspector. “So what about his brain? Define trashed.”
“It’s been turned to mush. You know how the grey matter is supposed to look like linked sausage, hinting there might be some kind of order in there?”
“You mean the cortex and lobes?” asked Beige.
“Yes. Good to know you were paying attention in grade-school health class.” Corina was having too much fun being snarky to stop cold turkey.
Beige tapped his noggin with his right forefinger. “Hey, I’ve still got all my faculties.”
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Tags:coroner story·entertaining murder mystery story·funny detective story·funny horror story·funny murder story·funny scary story·funny technology story·funny vocabulary story·funny word story·murder mystery story·murder story·quirky murder mystery story·unusual mystery story
What he liked about her was her laughter.
What she liked about him was his silence.
Her laughter was quiet, rich and reflective. It was doled out sparingly. When forthcoming, you knew it had been earned. It carried neither price tag, nor was gained at another’s expense.
Sometimes she giggled. Those were special occasions, when they explored each other in some new emotional or physical way and surprise or shyness sought verbal expression.
Mostly her laughter was throaty, the sound an old soul makes when struck precisely-so by a perfectly-wielded gong.
His silence was the opposite of awkward. It was warm, enveloping and often humorous.
Come dance with me, his eyes suggested. In a white bright room of our own imaginings, where we’re safe from outside terrors and the waltz can last as long as we like.
Banishing the fragility of existence was the chief extract from their bonding.
She’d arrived in Canada while in her teens. That was 50-plus years ago.
She’d never forget the one excellent piece of advice her parents had given her when they said their good-byes in Beijing. “When you get to Canada, buy the warmest coat you can find.”
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Tags:comedy·feel good story·funny awkward story·funny culture clash story·funny dating story·funny love story·funny romance·funny ski club story·heartwarming·how they met story·humor·I want to stay friends story·love story·Romance·tender story·touching·uplifting·warm-hearted·whimsical
XaniaXYM-529’s attention was glued to one of thousands of monitors hooked up to the enormous rumbling machine that was focused on the planet a considerable distance away.
He was luxuriating onboard his species’ most modern space station.
From earth, the craft was hidden in the flotsam that made up Saturn’s ring.
The giant device at the heart of the ship was spewing forth information on every single individual on terra firma.
Their whereabouts; what they were thinking; how their daylight or night-time hours were being spent.
People were equipped from birth with a monitoring device that, for lack of a better word, was called a soul.
Wirelessly, this fed data to the machine, which was a whirligig of awesome proportions.
It occupied pride of place in the centre of the room and resembled nothing so much as a giant vanilla cupcake.
The contraption processed and emitted “stuff” in two directions.
Not only did it absorb “intel”, but through sending out “frizzle” waves, the Xanians were able to shape, guide and re-order events on earth.
(The author apologizes for the brief use of technical jargon in the last two paragraphs.)
In their realm to the side of the “playpen”, a select group of Xanians paid close attention to the action across the solar system.
It was their primary form of entertainment.
They could never get enough of causing grief.
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Tags:bizarre·causing grief·comedy·funny alien romance story·funny aliens story·Funny Dog Stories·funny fantasy·funny grief story·funny irony stories·funny payback story·funny romance story·funny science fiction·funny workplace story·humor·origin of are we there yet?·Science Fiction·that explains it
An actor, a writer, a politician and a rich dude were sitting on the back portico of the latter’s mansion.
They quaffed a non-alcoholic concoction while looking out over an enormous aqua-blue swimming pool and a garden vista that stretched a quarter of a mile before being bracketed by a security-enhanced fence and towering evergreens.
On the surface of things, the rich dude’s existence was the best of all possible worlds and the others were content to bask in the glow and feed off the scraps scattered at the fringe.
The fact they’d known each other all their lives was the reason they were still so close despite their nuanced differences and divergent career paths.
What they were doing now was playing a familiar game that never bored them – comparing the thickness of each others’ skin.
Not in a literal sense, although that might have been fun. After a few bottles of wine at one long-ago social gathering, this had been suggested.
Get out the calipers and take a leaf from Shylock’s book. Cut off some flesh and measure the depth of the cutaneous level in millimeters.
Consistency should also be considered.
The inside walls may have become crustaceous as the result of being forged by boiling blood.
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Tags:bad review story·career choices·confidence rebuilding·emotional turmoil·funny actor story·funny confidence story·funny criticism story·funny self-criticism story·funny thick skin story·funny writer story·self-improvement·taking criticism·thick skin
“Dinosaur Spots Comet in Sky.”
“That’s the headline I’m going with,” said Dilly the crocodile to Tony the T-Rex, as they faced each other across the entranceway to the latter’s luxurious cave.
It was the most modern of eras in an alternative universe containing the 88th iteration of “standard” earth where the animals had evolved to rule the planet and humankind was nowhere to be found.
Dilly had received his rather silly and soft nickname years ago, but had come to appreciate its value for disarming interview subjects.
He worked as a reporter. The name of his paper was the Daily Drumbeat, since that was the method by which the news was distributed.
Tony the T-Rex was mayor and financial mogul in this particular zone of the jungle.
“Why have you come to me with this story?” asked Tony.
“I thought I should give you a heads-up,” said Dilly “and present you with an opportunity to confirm or deny it.”
“Why would I have anything to say on the subject?”
“Because you’re the dinosaur referred to in the article,” said Dilly.
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Tags:anachronism·business of publishing·comedy·comet destroys dinosaurs·e-book publishing·funny·funny digital publishing story·funny dinosaur story·funny gatekeeper story·funny parable·funny publishing story·funny redundant story·funny T-Rex story·gatekeepers·humor·out-of-place·printing·publishing·T-Rex
“China has one. Why can’t we?”
Trevor Deeds was reading a quote from a magazine article while he waited for his appointment at the doctor’s office.
The featured story examined a number of proposals to build a wall across the entire U.S.-Mexican border.
Several artists’ renderings were included.
There was speculation it might need to be twenty feet high, with a string of electrified barbed wire at the top.
It might even consist of two parallel tracks, with towers on the interior one to keep an eye on interlopers in the space between.
Maybe it would be the second man-made structure that could be seen from outer space.
Only the Great Wall of China held that current distinction.
It was strange to contemplate that the U.S. might choose to emulate its new chief rival.
Try as he might to follow the logical arguments in favor of such a measure, Trevor knew in his gut the idea was seriously wrong-headed.
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Tags:border with Mexico story·curmudgeon story·funny cranky story·funny doctor story·funny testosterone story·Great Wall of China story·illegal aliens story·illegal immigration story·immigration·life lessons·Lifestyle·Mexican fence story·Mexican wall story·visit to the doctor
One can easily turn reflective with the passage of the years. Birthdays serve to stimulate strolls down meandering and wayward paths.
As I approach “the golden years”, I know I’m supposed to be thinking of travel, playing golf, putting my feet up, reaping my rewards. But I’m not sure any of that is for me.
So here’s what this October 8th means in the context of my own particular time line.
When I’m 64?
That day has arrived.
I’ve worked my whole life to get here.
It’s quite a milestone.
In these tough economic times,
government will probably expect me to work ‘til I’m 74.
Maybe that’s what I want anyway.
What does the future hold?
A good deal of apprehension,
I know that much,
based on the experiences
of my own older relatives.
Will my health hold up?
Going to the doctor,
the optometrist, the dentist,
can become a second career
beyond a certain age.
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Tags:a funny birthday story·a funny family story·a funny growing older story·Beatles music·birthdays·comedy·funny·funny driving story·funny medical story·humour·Lifestyle·oddball·quirky·turning 64
There were several reasons why Giles’ mood was tanking. First, there was the change in seasons. Summer was only a degree or two away from turning into fall.
Giles loved the summer. He lived in a northern clime and the winters were long and harsh.
The cold weather, when he’d been a child, had encompassed fun, no doubt about it.
There was skating and hockey. Tobogganing and skiing.
Some of these activities carried over into early adulthood. But marriage, children and expense, both in coinage and physical risk, became impediments later on.
At his current stage in life, approaching the half century mark in years, winters now meant struggle.
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Tags:anthropomorphic·charming·comedy·emotional stress·father and daughter story·funny·funny coping story·funny environmental story·funny family story·funny raccoon story·funny rainbow story·funny talking to objects story·heartwarming·humor·relationships·sweet·touching·uplifting·whimsical
Washington has a huge debt problem and the Democrats, Republicans and Tea Party can’t agree on which comes first, increase taxes or lower spending.
Here are some innovative answers I’ve come up with, combining both approaches and some “outside the box” ideas, to break the impasse.
(1) Privatize the issuing of birth certificates to Donald Trump.
(2) Kill two birds with one stone. First buy Greece, thereby helping out that nation, then divest the assets beginning with Mount Olympus. At the very least, ask Zeus for centuries’ worth of back rent.
(3) Buy all future military hardware from China. It’ll be cheaper.
(4) Dissolve all government think tanks and, instead, follow the advice found in fortune cookies.
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Tags:Anheuser-Busch·funny bribery story·funny corruption story·funny debt story·funny Donald Trump story·funny Oprah story·funny President Obama story·funny think tank story·funny Washington story·funny White House story·Google·Mount Olympus·roller derby league·tackling the debt story·Zeus
Donna and I are ”taking it to the streets”. At Carrick Publishing, we’re often asked why we give books away and keep prices so low. It’s because we’re in the writing game for the long-haul, focusing on quality and loving readership. For your copy of a free Carrick e-book, please click here. And enjoy!